I love that the Lord has called us to be a people, as opposed to just “saved” individuals.
I like serving the local body of believers we’ve been placed in. They’re wonderful, God-loving people.
But as I am given more responsibility and positions of leadership within the body, it is all too clear that a lot of what God is going to use to shape me is not going to feel great at first. This has proven true in many arenas of ministry, but the one I want to specifically mention is speaking in front of people.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had some pretty severe anxiety when it comes to planned speaking engagements. Off the cuff, I can talk with anyone with little to no problems. I love talking with people. But if it’s planned, and it involves preparation, something wells up inside me that is ugly. My heart races from the time I begin working on what I am to say, to the time I say it. My voice quivers (or at least I have an irrational fear of thinking it does), my breathing is irregular, and I lose concentration. Often, I cannot sleep up to two nights before I’m supposed to speak. It’s terrible.
As of recently, I’ve participated in the services at Sojourn by being a liturgist, which, in our church, is the guy up front who does the call to worship and the various readings throughout the service. It involves a bit of memorization and some amount of voice inflection for the readings. And it kills me every time. I wrestle with how the gospel applies to the situation over and over, and it seems that I am not believing (at least) two major implications of the gospel when it comes to this: 1) Jesus is my justification. I am not justified by how well I do. I am already accepted by the Father and that should be enough for my soul to rest in. 2) The gospel means that the people I am speaking to are my redeemed family. I should know and believe that they love me and we have covenanted to walk through life together.
All this to say, the Lord is using things which are painful at first to help shape me as a redeemed human.
As for the second part of this post, Bethan has been absolutely outstanding during my battles with anxiety. Never once can I recall her giving me flimsy encouragement or a shallow treatment of my sin. She’s always incredibly nuanced with what she sees me dealing with, and she always turns me back to the hope I have in Christ. Sometimes she finds Biblical narratives that parallel what I’m dealing with, and reminds me of what those narratives say about God and how I should relate to him. It’s fantastic. At once she helps me see how God is holy and exalted, and how he has come near to me in Christ. She never leads me to trust in her or look to her for my ultimate comfort…always Christ.
She should be celebrated for that, for the glory of God. I love her.
Posted by Brandon 
